Lady Heinz
by tayrulez
Summary: Heinz Doofenshmirtz is turned into a woman and takes a job as the Flynn-Fletchers' babysitter. - SHOULD I CONTINUE?


Disc: I don't own, will contain slash later and this strangeness came to me in a dream.

While attempting to create Norm's Popsicle stick wife, a sleep-deprived Heinz Doofenshmirtz accidentally aims the weapon at himself. Before his "son's" eyes, "Dad" becomes "Mom." Doof's back straightens with more weight in his chest region and his hair flows freely. His nose shrinks to a round bob as a side effect and his lanky arms become slim and, to his surprise, real. The metal ones are long forgotten. He has a slender, yet somewhat muscular body and somehow has permanent lip gloss stained on his lips.

His inator explodes and Doof knows a visit from Perry the Platypus will quickly be in order. He shoves his hair under a sleeping cap, sheds his lab coat and pants, and then covers himself with a long, plush robe. He throws off his shoes, replacing them with house slippers he hardly wears. He locks Norm in a closet, and then opens his door. He also steps onto the balcony.

Sure enough, Perry flies in via hang glider. An upset-looking Doofenshmirtz grabs hold of the hang glider and stares at a stunned but sleepy platypus agent.

"Look, Perry." He begins in a startling (to the both of them) smooth, feminine voice. He coughs, pushing his caliber a little lower before continuing. "Norm bumped into one of my unfinished inators and it just exploded, okay? Go back to sleep and you can thwart me some other time. Promise."

He turns and lets go of the glider. Perry hovers a few seconds, staring back in confusion. Doof closes the balcony door then moves on to the next. Doof walks back across the room and gives the platypus a look, prompting him to leave. He does so when Doof has a sudden stroke of genius. The man races back to his room and activates a sonar telescope. He locates Perry the Platypus rather easily. The creature flies into a small suburb and tumbles out of a tree in a backyard.

"Aha!" He sighs with girlish glee. "I know where Perry the Platypus lives! And all I gotta do is find a way into the house "

Doof hears a thud and swears a little before going to unlock the closet Norm is in. "What's that, junkpile?" He asks in an almost affectionate way.

"If there are kids, you could be their babysitter."

"Great idea, Norm."

"Thanks, Mom." The robot replies brightly.

"I am most definitely NOT your Mother!"

At the Flynn-Fletcher residence, Perry cannot shake the feeling that something seriously wring is about to happen. Had Doof been wearing lipstickor he just too tired he's seeing things? Perry shrugs to himself and climbs into bed with Ferb. Meanwhile, Doof starts working on Norm, giving the robot man a whole new look. Five hours pass and Doof has turned Norm into a Sports Utility Vehicle. Norm's voice modulator is fitted with the GPS and the former robot can literally work as autopilot is Doof is terribly busy. Dressing in his daughter's retro cotillion outfit, which rides up at his knees, and letting his hair flow freely, Norm drives him out into the suburbs while he contemplates a new identity.

Norm is parked and the doorbell rings. The man-now-woman marches up and the door is soon answered by one Linda Flynn. "Hello. Can I help you?"

"Oh, heavens. I have been searching high and low for a job, my dear. I hope I am not troubling you, but I work as a nanny for children and animals, and business has been terribly slow. My name is Dorina Heindrick and my rates aren't very high."

"You poor thing. Well, come inside."

Linda guides Dorina to the living room where the two take a seat on the couch.

"I have three children and an, unusual pet."

"You have an ostrich?"

"Err no."

"Well, any unusual pet would be my treat to nanny." She replies, noting a redheaded boy carrying a platypus in his peripheral vision. "Aside from pandas, that is. Terrible creatures they are."

"Pandas, really?"

"Vile creatures, pandas are." She shakes her head.

"Oh, well, no worries there." Linda laughs. "This is one of my sons, Phineas.

"And this is our pet," Phineas starts.

"Oh!" Dorina gasps in delight. "A platypus! I adore these little sweethearts! My daughter had a platypus when she used to live with me. Due to my moving around, she went to live with my brother."

Perry chirrs with intrigue before thinking to himself in his mind. 'Okay, strange woman in my house, but she likes platypi and hates pandas. Who is she and how long is she staying here?'

"What's your daughter's name?" Phineas questions.

"Mary." She smiles. "Always has her hair in pigtails. It's been quite a while since I've seen her. I just need to make ends meet."

"How sad." Phineas comments. "Mom, isn't there anything we can do to help?"

Ferb walks in, eating a cookie. He stops, seeing company, and slides the rest of his treat into his pocket. He tilts his head a bit, then goes to sit down, feeling as if he had walked in on a family meeting.

"This is my other son, Ferb." Linda smiles. "I have a teenage daughter, Candace." She pauses. "When can you start?"

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